Thursday, February 10, 2011

Episodic Gospels

The gospels included in Christians' New Testament give two conflicting accounts of Judas' death. In one he hanged himself from a tree, and another he fell down and his bowels burst. So, the literalists want to know: which is it?

One story has Jesus ride into Jerusalem on a pony, another on an ass, and one on both a pony and as ass. Really? At the same time? Why such a stunt?

To fullfil mystic forecasts in the Old Testament some said. Except when we look for a prophecy in the OT book indicated by the NT gospel, it isn't found there; but is found in another OT book with a similar name!

The Bible writers, like humans in all times and places, are making it up as they go along: and showing their carelessness, their illiteracy, their indifference to fact, to truth, as they do so.

Or: How about this explanation?

Every gospel variant is literally true, but they happened in different Jesus manifestations in different cultures in different times or on different planets. Maybe Jesus entered earth's Jerusalem on a pony, but entered some Jerusalem-like city on the second rocky planet of Albermarle epsilon on an ass.

Maybe on earth Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do"; but on a Calvary of the fifth satellite of the third rocky planet of Andromeda's theta zone, star XYN~ he said, "Burn every !~%*#@^%ing one of these &*^%$!@#~$ers in hell!"

While we're at it, how's this?
On earth, on Albermarle ... all over Andromeda, Jesus gets crucified, but on the artificial human web around Gingadonk in the Coalsack, Caiaphas screams at Pilate and Pilate screams at Herod, and Jesus stands there bleeding, and the people crucify Pilate, Caiaphas, Herod and give Jesus a generous stipend to keep the money tables out of the temple!


Next time I dip into Bart Ehrman I may upgrade my examples. I "know" them, but as an amateur, not as a Biblical scholar with variants and paths memorized. Meantime, don't bother to correct my references: understand the point!

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